Big Changes

For months and months now I have been in a deep rut. I tried to make a list of why I feel so crumby all the time and it turns out the list is pretty extensive.

1.       I am VERY overweight. With weight come feelings of insecurity, seclusion, unattractiveness and self pity. All I want to do is eat, because I love good food and because “I’m already fat, so who cares”- that evil cycle has to change. I also don’t want to be touched or looked at, and am completely turned off by myself; my husband isn’t so there lays a problem for both of us.  I want to feel attractive again, my poor husband did not really get to spend much time with that person before our children came, I hope her remembers that girl!

2.       I am feeling angry and unmotivated. Some of the lack of motivation probably stems from #1, but I feel some of it might also be a bit of depression- dark weather induced or otherwise. The anger is giving me a deep divot between my eyebrows, and it is an ugly thing to wear. I need to let the positivity back in. There is so much for me to be positive and thankful for and I need to focus on that.

3.       I HATE living so far from town. I love the country, and one day I hope to live in it, but in a house that has a proper yard – preferably fenced- where the children can play, and where we have a reliable car to depend on to get us to and from town. A house a bit closer to the hub would be fantastic and the convenience of running water is missed.

4.       I struggle with my desire for a satisfying career, and the ability to raise my own children. I enjoy the 2 days a week when the girls are in daycare and feel that 2 days is an ideal amount of time for kids to be in an institutional setting, any more than that and they are being raised by someone else. When it comes right down to it I would rather my children be home with me for most of their waking hours instead of at daycare in transit or in prep for daycare, I don’t feel we would be raising our children if we only saw them for 2 or 3 hours a day. There is a large part of me that wants to be contributing more financially. Right now I make up about a third of our household income, but wouldn’t it be nice to have MORE! Wouldn’t it be nice to talk to adults and work in my field of interest? Wouldn’t it feel good to contribute to society? Isn’t it just enough that I am helping form honest, thoughtful and intelligent children who may one day make a difference to society, our family or feel fulfilled in themselves?

5.        Struggle with living in the Yukon some days. The Yukon is the land of opportunity. My husband has a position here that would have taken him many years, if ever to obtain with his education (college) he has the ability to climb in this position, and to learn amazing things. The opportunities for children are great in the arts, sports and education. We are surrounded by beautiful scenery and wildlife. Most importantly to me we are surrounded by like minded people, i don’t need to dig far to find someone who shares my feelings, and is willing to work towards common goals.  Family is what is missing here, and if they could all move up north we would be laughing, but like us they have their own lives and dreams that can only be obtained where they reside. I am sad that the kids don’t get sleepovers with their grandparents or outings with aunts and uncles or play dates with cousins and second cousins, but I am happy that they have people who supplement those roles here. As a family of four it can cost us over $6000 to go to the other side of our own country, and unrealistic amount of money for a new family to spend who has not yet established themselves with a home and investments.

6.       I am far less creative than I used to be. Visual arts have always been important to me, and I was always busy with something or another. I’m sure any crafter can tell you, finding the time with children can be difficult. I craft with the kids, but it’s not the same. I barely write, barely sew and I surely never paint anymore.

7.       The internet has become a burden. Where we live it is FAR from cheap. Because we don’t watch tv (we didn’t even have one until this Christmas) we would watch movies a few times a week as a treat. Trying to save ourselves the $5 fee, or $40 or so we would spend a month we decided to do a free trial of Netflix to see how we liked it. WELL! Free my ass! We ended up getting a bill for $460 for the one month we had Netflix. Northwestel...you suck! Anyways, because I feel lousy and unmotivated and generally blah, I have been surviving on pinterest and facebook, neither of which is very satisfying.

So how can I change all of this behaviour? I’ll tell you...in the form of my new year’s goals.

Lose weight, by getting up and moving with my little girls, ensuring that they get daily nature play (weather permitting) and also by ensuring they get much more social time in town, be it play dates, organized playgroups, music lessons, sports or dance..I need to make the move. I am also changing my eating habits. Not more “snacks” like chips and chocolate at night. I am starting off with a cleanse/fast. I miss my fasting days, and beyond day 2 it is a wonderful experience..I suggest it to anyone!

I am going to talk with someone about the anger. It is inherited I am afraid and I don’t want to pass that one along anymore. As for the un-motivation that will come with the weight loss, the programming and the responses from both.

There is not much I can do about our living arrangements, so I just have to be more positive about it. We don’t want to pay someone else’s mortgage unless they allow me to take in children to care for as supplement. Where we live is very cheap and it is getting us closer to owning our own home.

I have decided to take some courses at the college to get me closer to the career I want. I will take some pre-health courses every semester and over time will be closer to doing what I want for me. I have also decided to keep Beans out of school for one year longer. She could go as an early entrant, but we’ll wait until she is 5. Beans had a rough few years, and we would like to know her good health will continue, and that she has ample time with her supports to heal emotionally from the trauma.

We have decided to put the guilt behind us about being so far from family. We have made it a goal to return to Ontario once every 3^rd year. On the other years we will stay home and welcome visitors and on the 2^nd we will travel somewhere for a vacation, family can meet us there to see us and the girls if they chose without pressure. This feels better to us, it feels more balanced and more cost effective.

I have started a really focused plan for creating. I have started my craft sale creating already and am learning to play the mandolin. I’m hoping Jeff will soon join me with his overpriced and underused guitar.

I have decided to cancel our relationship with home internet for now, until we move back into the realm of high speed, and when I feel fulfilled enough in myself and life to not fall prey to its lures. I will check online on Wednesdays or Mondays from the coffee shop when the girls are in daycare, and Jeff has internet at work, so we won’t be missing much.

Wow, that seems like a really big list but the wordiness might make it look more daunting than it really is. It all seems easily manageable; I’ll let you know as I go!

Slacker

Okay, I really dropped the ball on that one- my 30 day pinterest challenge.. sorry followers.
I realize now that it was a bit ambitious for me to start when I did. I have had Halloween to sew for and prepare for, a husband who has frequently been away at the mine, a honeymoon to recuperate from (no not like that.....dirty mind!) Christmas presents to make, a cabin to decorate, a cabin to run, a sick kid, a baby to help be born (who by the way took her time from first indication she may be coming- one cannot concentrate on anything else when a baby is on her way- and in this case it took months ;) and finally I am an attachment parent of two little girls. Excuses aside, I do plan to finish this challenge, I have just postponed the last 16 until after New Years.
I will be back in a few days to talk about some things that have been on my mind. I hope you can forgive me, and can return to me where ever you were the last few months.

apparently I've not even had time to brush my children's hair ;)

Pinterest Challenge - Day 14 - Music choices

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oE3xx0uWAQ

If this is what we have to listen to cranked in a bedroom when she is older..we would be A-OK with that! It's unlikely though, we will probably be cursed with some new Beber of the times...cringe. Hopefully we can cultivate a love of decent music from a young age...fingers crossed.

Today's pin is also music inspired http://hemelhouse.blogspot.com/2011/07/outdoor-play-space-contest-winner.html

We rent a cabin that has very little external wall space, so we made a simple band in the trees. The girls rocked out for a while, and then used the lids etc to collect leaves and snow. My children are obsessive gatherers, using any bag or box they can get their hands on to make "collections". On the nights that Jeff and I go through the toy box, we usually find all of those missing socks, balls of sting and cuts of fabric, baggies, dried out diaper wipes (clean ones) and little wrinkled up pieces of paper, among other oddities.

Rock on....see you tomorrow

Pinterest Challege - Day 13 - For the Home

It was cold, and the wind was howling!

Time away is a must for parents, particularly the primary care giver. Someone recently told me that "teachers get PD days, why wouldn't mothers need time to rejuvenate" and it's true, people who care for children need to be able o take the time to step back from their situation, take a break, re-read some wisdom they have found inspiring and have some peace to think about what you want for and want to be able to give your children. 5 days is even better. 5 days is how long Jeff and I left the kids for while we went on our salmon fishing honeymoon to Haines Alaska. It didn't really seem like a honeymoon per se, but it was a wonderful trip that we both really needed. I can't tell you how grateful I am to Aunt Julie for taking the girls, and sacrificing her time to make the "best sleepover ever" one that kept the girls busy and happy enough to forget to miss us..much.
We had such a great time, the weather was beautiful for Haines this time of year (I've done this trip 9 times now) the mountains were covered in snow, the rivers were still full of good clean coho, and the leaves left that musty fall smell and still gorgeously covered the ground. We stay at the same place every time we go, and are always happy with the service. We ate crab and Salmon and white cheddar bunnies (which I am addicted to but cannot buy in Whitehorse). And even when our car broke down and we were trapped in our cabin for two days while the coho called our names, we enjoyed each others company, and talked about a few things besides our children. The only regrets we have is that we don't have any pictures besides one of us on our honeymoon..how did that happen!

getting suited up in my waders

top-male, bottom- female

Our friend Winslow with one of his fine fishies

Yes, we did break down right beside a cemetery

View near Skagway Alaska on our way home

Now we are settled back home, and are having fun with our girls, getting ready for winter by packing up all of our summer gear and pulling winter gear from storage. Jeff is planning to build some things for our home in the coming months beginning with a smoker. I am focusing on upcoming craft sales and a new rhythm for our home. One thing we thing we plan to return to is planning our weekly meals. We used to do this, and it is amazing the amount of money you can save when you know what to specifically buy for.
Today's pin (because I'm back at the challenge) is this menu board idea
 http://fey-next2heaven.blogspot.com/2011/09/our-launch-pad-new-weekly-calendar.html



I did ours in the more simple version, and to be honest, I'm not really happy with it, I feel like I can do better with the paper...however, the theory is wonderful, dry erase markers work well, I think I will enjoy it once I pretty it up a bit.

See you tomorrow!

Pinterest Challenge - Day 12 - Organization

Just a little something pretty for today
http://heatherjslife.blogspot.com/2011/08/organizing-embroidery-floss.html

I use embroidery floss ALL the time, and I have a rule that if a project is seriously pissing me off, I stop for the night before I totally screw it up. Floss tangles are usually the root cause of frustration, so when I saw this pin I was kinda in love...aaaaand look how pretty it all looks in it's new basket. Alot of this embroidery floss is left over from my Grandpa's embroidery days...thats right GrandPA. He used to embroider a bit to keep busy when he was getting on in age. I also have a blanket that he crocheted when he was younger, just after the war from wool donated by friends apparently. The blanket is  large enough to fit an king sized king bed and I hope to put it on one some day, but for now it sits in my protective plastic bag full of things from childhood.

Happy Thanksgiving, by the way. I hope you are all surrounded by loved ones.

We're off for our honeymoon in Haines Alaska tomorrow, so there won't be anything from me until next friday or Saturday.

Have a great week!

Pinterest Challenge - Day 11 - For the Home

 It was just so beautiful outside (a balmy 6 degrees at our place) that the girls and I went for a bike ride, and flipped some of the garden. We raked the leaves and pine cones into a pile that the girls jumped in- not like the fluffy leafy fun piles I grew up with in Ontario, but the good crunchy stomping kind that comes with a land covered in predominantly coniferous trees. The girls took some time playing with their pumpkins and just enjoying the outdoors. We don't have to many days left of sweater weather, so we are trying to enjoy it as much as we can. The snow has covered the mountain tops, and we have had a few sprinkles of sleet already. I'm hoping that the Skagway and Haines passes are in good condition for travel next week. I'm getting very excited for this honeymoon, Jeff and I have decided to make a smoker this year, and so we plan on filling our vehicle as best we can with coho. We hope to fill the freezer, and have enough for tradesies for elk. We're bringing the vacuum packer...we mean business this year!
Anyways, because there is so much to do before we hit the road, I feel like I've had no time the last few days...I have been doing pins that seem a bit more simple to do, although I do have some plans to do bigger projects after the honeymoon.
today's pin was a rolled fabric flower wreath from http://www.ourbestbites.com/2010/12/tutorial-rolled-fabric-flowers/

Here is mine..not nearly as pretty as the pin, but I incorporated some aspects from the wedding, the leaves and the button stems were part of the men's boutonnieres, and the flowers were ones I had made almost a year ago, but wasn't totally happy with them as they were a bit to flat. I think it's still pretty cute...and it only cost me four dollars to make!

Pinterest Challenge - Day 10 - Sew/Craft

I love having little girls. Little girls are awesome. My little girls take my breath away on a daily basis. When Jeff gets home from a long day at work, or when I call my Mom or a friend in a huff its always to complain about my day and my kids, and really how often do we call our friends to gush about the fantastic-ness of life? We should really, a lot more often because then I would talk more about how great my kids are. How thoughtful and sweet and sensitive beans is. How focused, hilarious and cuddly Lumpy-Lou is. I would talk about how I have the best husband on earth- that men like that are one in a million, and how the universe saw it fit that I deserved him is beyond me. I would talk about the beauty of where we live, the opportunity and how this place can make or break a person and when it makes ya' you learn so much about yourself and your abilities. I would talk about how grateful I am for good friends, the ones I lean on and the ones who lean back, the ones I share most of my days with, and the ones I spend most of my phone bills on and the ones I miss OOOH so much. And finally I would talk about how much I love to create things, and how creating things keeps me sane and happy and how creating things for my little girls is my favorite of all.

I made this little dress today, which I initially intended to make for the craft sale, but after seeing Lumpy in it, I just cannot let it go. It is up cycled from an adults dress shirt, and it was really easy to make. I had read this pin a while back, but it really did not give instructions on HOW it was made so I just guessed and I'm not sure if the steps were the same. Basically I just traced to body of a child's shirt onto the adult shirt, and cut it out (leaving the length of course) I used the cuffs as the sleeves and basically matched those to the new armholes. I cut the neck wide, folded over, sewed a casing and strung with ribbon. There are tutorials out there on how to make this simple dress. I should have taken pictures along the way...but I never thought of it..sorry!
http://amazingmae.blogspot.com/2009/03/from-dads-shirt-to-little-dress.html

And here is mine...

OH! I could just eat her up!

See you tomorrow!